Attack of the Cyborg School Girls

Japan, a nation long known for its technological superiority (and unflagging inability to integrate it with good design - see Toyota Prius for example), have a long history of creating hi-tech robots that serve no functional purpose. Toyota created a robot that can sort-of play a trumpet and Honda made a robot that can serve tea to other robots. Every year in Tokyo, robot designers showcase their innovation in dancing droids and this past November we were able to watch what looked like a metallic kogyaru go through a series of parapara moves that would make even Aymi Hamasaki envious. Most disturbing is perhaps the fact that cyber-trance is gaining a new group of loyal, if not anymore intelligent, converts.

Japan Officially Endorses International Kidnapping

After two weeks behind bars, Japan released the American father who came to Japan to re-kidnap his children after they were initially kidnapped in America by his Japanese wife and brought to Japan. Christopher Savoie had no choice but to attempt to snatch his children back because by Japanese law divorced husbands are never given even joint custody of their children, and in fact, most fathers are not able to see their children again until they are adults (20 years old in Japan).  Savoie's wife knew that if she could sneak her kids back to Japan, she would be protected from those pesky egalitarian American laws which require joint custody and outlaw kidnapping.  Savoie is getting support from an unlikely source: Japanese fathers who want more visitation rights. These fathers welcome all the attention the case has garnered and hope that it leads to a change in child custodial policy.  Ambassadors from the U.S. and seven other countries have also chimed-in to encourage Japan to modernize its laws governing custody. But, as is the case with most Japanese laws, they are older than dirt and nobody wants to take responsibility for making any changes.

Thinking Outside the Bun in Tokyo

Went to a burger joint in Kichijoji called Village Vanguard for lunch today. Since I don't eat beef, but I was in the mood for a sandwich, I asked if they could take the herb chicken that was on the menu and just put it on bread for me, and add a little cheese and onion (there was no "chicken sandwich" on the menu, just beefy all beef-beef burgers). Since this is Japan, and nothing out of the ordinary is ever tolerated, let alone requested, three wait staff and two cooks spent 10 minutes discussing the feasibility of my request (which entailed taking a few items already on the menu, and using them to create something slightly different). In the end they took a chance and I ended up with one of the tastiest sandwiches I have had in my life.  This is progress I think. 10 years ago they would have just made that familiar sucking sound through their teeth, tilted their heads and said: "chyotto...."

Picture via "bantus"

Suzuki Ichiro Ejected from Game

Suzuki Ichro was ejected from last Saturday's game against the Toronto Blue Jays. This was Ichiro's first ever ejection in his entire career and has some in Japan blogging that it is just the most recent example of a long string of objectionable behavior of late.  Critics first started paying attention a few weeks ago when Ichiro uttered a sentence laden with polysyllabic words.  Then during a recent away series on the east coast, Ichiro was spotted smiling in the locker room.  Whether this deviant behavior persists or not remains to be seen. But Umpire Brian Runge thought the best way to reign in the stubbed upstart was to throw him out of the game, saying later, "something had to be done. After I called strike three on a pitch so far outside the catcher had to dive to knock it in the dirt, I saw Ichiro crack an American-style sarcastic grin. To see him suddenly confident and at ease being one of the best players in the history of the game- it was making the American players self-conscious.  I mean, what is he, like 4'.8"? Obviously never took steroids. It ain't right. So I booted his spunky munchkin ass."

Japanese Style Erections

This is how Japanese politicians try to get votes- sitting outside restaurants and cafes with trucks laden with loudspeakers. After they ruin everyone's dinner they drive off to annoy other innocent diners. Unfortunately, Japanese law prohibits T.V. attack adds, which we all know is how elections are fought and won in other modern democracies.

Jury Trials Return to Japan- What's Good for Guantanamo...

After half a century of trials by judges only, Japan has returned to a (kind of) jury trial system. In the new format, three judges will be joined by six lay-persons to decide the fate of Japanese defendants. While juries will only be used in certain cases, there is some concern among prosecutors that changing the system might compromise the current 99% conviction rate in Japanese courts. Forced confessions at the hands of police while refusing suspects access to defense lawyers will continue unimpeded, however.

Honda to Move Motorcycle Production from Japan to Thailand

Honda, the worlds largest motorcycle manufacturer plans to stop making their popular bikes in Japan, and instead import them into Japan from Thailand. The move is expected to lower the typical price of a motorcycle for Japanese consumers by about $1500. This move is similar to what American auto makers did over the past several decades when they moved manufacturing plants first to Canada, then Mexico to reduce the cost Americans pay for Fords and Buicks. While the quality of U.S. automobiles was crap even before they started getting made in Mexican shanty towns, some Japanese are worried that Honda's reputation for quality might suffer if it moves production to Thailand, where they have a completely different concept of motorcycle riding:

Onaka Pi-Pi Geinin (Celebrities with Diarrhea)

One thing that may surprise newcomers to Japan is the frankness with which people here talk about bowel movements (or lack there of, as being bempi, or constipated, is another big topic for conversation). Children are taught in elementary school to keep an eye on their daily "deposits" and note any changes in color, shape, and, er, consistency. This early indoctrination in poop profiling leads to a general openness when discussing their digestive health. It is not uncommon for people to have a long, open discussion over lunch about just such topics. It is also acceptable to answer a "Hi, how are you?" With, "Not bad, but man am I constipated! Three days and NOTHING. How about you?" From my count, there are countless terms for bowel movements and I don't mean dirty words, but efficient words that describe different kinds of turds and their, um, composition (something similar to Eskimos and words for snow, I guess.)

The first time I was made party to a conversation of this nature, I thought I has having trouble understanding. Surely, I thought, this person is not telling me about what I think she is. She was. And the candor with which she was talking about it was unsettling. Maybe Americans are just too prudish, and talk of private matters are supposed to be just that- private- not something to be discussing in a crowded cafe. After 10 years, I'm just starting to get over it.

To illustrate just how out-in-the-open this topic is, there is a variety show called Onaka pi-pi Geinin (Celebrities with Diarrhea), where celebrities engage in myriad bathroom banter. "What was it like pooing in your high school toilet?" "What's the most t.p. you ever used?" "Was there ever a time you got the squirts and there wasn't a bathroom in sight?" They then sent a roving reporter out into the streets to take an informal poll of how many people were pi-pi and how many bempi (bempi won out 2 to 1, if you're interested.)

So if you come to Japan, be ready to talk about your daily "business." Be careful though, because in Japan, toilets are where ghosts live.

Socialized Medicine ROCKS!

Living in Japan is truly wonderful. However, if you have allergies, you are likely to be miserable for 6 months out of the year. This is a country where they planted millions of ceder trees in an attempt to patch over the ravages of their impressive, though no less environmentally insensitive industrial revolution. Apparently nobody told them that ceder pollen is a real pain in the arse. Well, they know now. And short of razing the entire countryside, we are stuck with itchy eyes and runny noses. The up-side to all this discomfort is the Japanese medical system, which is (cover your ears conservatives) SOCIALIZED. This means that the government acts as the sole insurance provider (though people are free to purchase supplemental insurance from private companies to cover what the government plan does not- which is generally 80% of total costs.) I know the horror stories propagated by the right-wingers who say socialized medicine leads to rationed health care and long lines for basic services. Well, let me tell you about my recent foray into this medical mystery.

First, I was told I needed a health check for my new job. I went to a local clinic (anyplace is fine, so I went to the place closest to my house. This was a vast improvement over my HMO coverage back in NYC, where I HAD to go to a doctor on a list prepared by my health care provider- none of whom were even remotely close to my apartment- and if that doesn't sound like rationed health care, I don't know does), I waited about 3 minutes before I was called in to take blood and urine tests and take a chest x-ray. After another 5 minutes I was called in to sit with the doctor to discuss my x-ray. The doctor said there was a little cloudy area on one of my lungs, so I might as well go get a CT scan just to be on the safe side.

A few days later I went to get my CT scan and this time, I wasn't even able to sit down in the lobby before I was called to the CT scan room. 5 minutes later I was back on my bike headed home.

Oh, and did I mention that I didn't pay anything? In Japan CT scans are considered preventative, so they are fully covered.

Man, this was easy, I thought, so when I was going crazy with my allergies, I decided to go see an allergist. This experience was just as smooth- no appointment, no waiting, no money. The only thing I had to pay for was a portion of the medicine prescribed to me: One month's supply of Nasonex, and some Allegra. Total charge: about $15. That's cheaper than Americans having to buy it from Canada!

Now, I know it isn't really free. I have about $400 deducted from my pay every month for coverage for myself and an UNLIMITED number of dependents (this amount also includes deductions for Japan's equivalent of Social Security, so the actual cost for just the health care portion is much lower). The amount deducted from some one's paycheck depends on how much they make; the less they make, the less is taken out, but EVERYBODY pays something. But here is the kicker: Rich or poor, we ALL have the SAME coverage. And the coverage, as far as I can tell, blows away anything I ever had in the U.S. (which I could never afford because my work never offered to pay for it...and that was as a teacher in a public university!

So to all you Americans who fear Bam's Socialized Medicine plan, I hope you get a really really bad runny nose.

Pig Flu Becomes Big Pain in the Buta

Let the panic begin. Today Japanese health officials made the decision to quarantine any planes arriving from the Americas. When they land at Narita, guys in hazmat suits board the plane and physically inspect every passenger (I imagine guys with flashlights lurking through a dim and dusty cabin- like a scene out of CSI). When they are allowed to deplane, they walk infront of a camera that can read their body temperature. People who are warm set off an alarm (either because they have a fever, or because they are steaming mad for having to sit on the tarmac for hours):

Read the story about the panic in Japan HERE

Personally I think it is just a ploy to get these policies permanently implemented so that foreigners can be regularly inconvenienced and harassed to the point where no more of their filthy kind come to Japan anymore. Then things can be like they were in Edo period. Happy, blissfully ignorant times those were!

I was made aware of the level of panic when I got an urgent email from the president of Teachers College, Columbia indicating that someone with the flu was touching a computer keyboard in the computer lab. In typical New York fashion, she said that it was too late to do anything about it, so the infected keyboard would not be publicly hanged. She said that disinfecting the areas the student went would be "unnecessarily disruptive to our students during this busy time of the year." So, basically, she is saying: we can't be bothered beyond sending this spam to the entire campus community. But, we want to be part of the panic-spreading fun.

Here is a picture of a Japanese tourist visiting New York. I'm sure if he gets on the E train he will be mugged for his swanky mask:

Read the story about panic in New York HERE

Drunk and Naked in Japan? That's a First

Tsuyoshi Kusanagi, one of the 5 members of the hugely popular boy-band-entertainment-super-power known as SMAP, was arrested at 2am yesterday for doing something nearly every Japanese man has done sometime in his life: Get drunk and take off his clothes in public. In a country where comunal bathing is common place, the media drumming he is getting seems a bit over-blown. I can't count the number of times I have seen a Japanese man who has had 5 too many drinks start taking off his clothes. I remember one guy pull down his pants while a friend of his lit his ass hair on fire. A teacher freind of mine sang a little song about penises and at the end pulled his out. These antics were performed in PUBLIC and drew roars of laughter from everyone around.

So, what is it about a talento (celebrities) when they do similarly stupid things that they have to get crucified? A few years ago another of the members of SMAP was stopped for speeding, and the public out cry was immediate and harsh. Like Kusanagi, Goro lost all of his lucrative advertising gigs, and was banned from television for months. What's the deal? Here is an actual quote from Kunio Hatoyama, minister of internet and communications which hired Kusanagi for the switch to digital campaign:

"It's embarrassing. He is a character who is calling for public understanding of the cancellation of analog broadcasting, which will burden the people. I have no choice but to think he is a disgusting person."

A disgusting person? What about Japanese Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa getting drunk and attending the G7 meeting in Rome last month? Maybe he should have gotten naked too...

Walk (or Pedal) at Your Own Risk

To illustrate just how perilous the back streets are (and many of the main streets) in Tokyo, I shot this vid with my cell phone while walking to Mukashisakai station. As you will see by the way pedestrians scatter to the sides, cars seem to have the right of way (I think the guy actually swerved at me towards the end- and I'm standing on a curb!) You'll be lucky if drivers even look before they turn onto a street. I was hit by a car while riding a bike a few years ago because the woman was paying attention to merging traffic, not the 6'1 gaijin pedaling by. Luckily I was able to ditch my bike at the moment she gunned the accelerator (I was paying attention to her NOT paying attention). Bike was totaled, I lived to store away another of those "nutty nihonjin" stories.

Sakura Candy

Here are some pictures from the ICU campus. This place is covered in sakura trees, and for about a week the whole place looks like cotton candy. For being in Tokyo, this is really a rural area (called Mitaka-shi). The campus is a do-able 20 minute walk from our apartment. When I get a bike it will be about 5. But a bike is lower on the list of things I need (a refrigerator is the next thing to tick-off.) I also need some place to put all my stuff I shipped from NY- which is now sitting in customs here in Japan (actually, I'm in NO hurry to have it). I'm glad I have an office at work so I can keep all my books and research OUT of the apartment.
For more info on where I work click HERE